The thing most people get wrong first
When someone we care about is struggling, the instinct is to fix it. To find the solution, suggest the resource, make the problem smaller. This instinct is good-natured. It is also, often, exactly the wrong thing to do.
Most people who are struggling do not need a solution first. They need to feel that what they are going through is real, and that someone sees it without flinching.
The first step is not advice. It is presence.
How to open the conversation
You do not need the perfect words. You need to be direct and warm.
What works:
- "I've noticed you haven't seemed yourself lately. I care about you and wanted to check in."
- "You don't have to tell me everything but I'm here if you want to talk."
- "I'm not going anywhere. Take your time."
What to avoid:
- "You should try yoga / exercise / journalling / positive thinking" — advice before listening shuts the conversation down
- "I know exactly how you feel" — even if you have been through something similar, their experience is theirs
- "At least..." — minimising comparisons ("at least you have a job / family / your health") are invalidating even when well-meaning
- "You just need to think more positively" — this is not how mental health works and it increases shame
How to listen
Active listening is not passive. It is specific and attentive.
- Reflect back what you hear: "It sounds like you've been feeling completely exhausted for months"
- Ask open questions: "What's been the hardest part?" not "Are you okay?"
- Sit with silence. Not every pause needs to be filled.
- Do not shift the topic to yourself unless they ask.
If you are worried about self-harm or suicide
Ask directly. Research consistently shows that asking about suicide does not plant the idea — it provides relief. A person who is thinking about it is usually relieved someone finally asked.
Say: "Are you having any thoughts of hurting yourself or not wanting to be here?"
If they say yes:
- Stay with them
- Do not leave them alone if you can avoid it
- Help them contact the IMH helpline (6389 2222) or take them to IMH A&E at Buangkok View
- Call 995 if there is immediate physical danger
Encouraging professional help without pushing
This is one of the hardest parts. You can see clearly that they need more support than you can give. They may not be there yet.
What helps:
- "Have you thought about talking to someone professionally? I can help you look into it if that feels useful."
- Offer specifics: "There's a free assessment at Heal Counselling — takes five minutes online. Might be worth doing just to see where you stand."
- Offer to go with them to a first appointment if they are nervous
What does not help:
- Ultimatums ("Either you get help or I can't keep doing this")
- Repeated pressure — mention it once with care, then follow their lead
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone through mental health difficulties is demanding. You are not a therapist and you are not responsible for their recovery.
Set a limit on what you can give. It is not selfish to say "I care about you and I also need to take care of myself." Burnout in the person supporting makes things worse for everyone.
If you are finding it overwhelming, talk to someone yourself — a friend, a counsellor, or through your EAP if your employer offers one.